Good Grief

Today, a bad news was spread among my entire family. My Uncle Punya has passed away. He is the eldest son of our family line but due to some differences with my Grandfather, the throne was passed to my father instead. When you can't make the old man happy, he make your life miserable. Asshole right? Oh well, whatever. That is how it works in a patriarchal system: the man rules.

Anyway, good for me, bad for the women. But come to think of it, women plays an important role in the system too. They provide and ensure the family is well run while the man work to feed the family. Oh, what am i talking about here? My father don't work for the family. He is the laziest bastard and just wait for money to fall from the sky. He must have pray real hard during his previous life to be born in a royal family, and now he had the throne - which he don't deserve at all. I'm digressing.

Today is a day for grieving but, ironically, my relatives aren't really sad. It seems like his death has been a good death. Haha. My grand uncle Cigga told me of how my uncle Punya was when he was alive, what he did for my grandfather, his own family and as a person himself.

As a person, he don't create any trouble for people. He works in a dilligent and abiding manner. No problem in work, not all the time, but, definitely, occasionally, and who doesn't? He don't gamble, consume alcohol and indulge in libertines.

As a son, he would help out my grandfather with the adminstrative of the empire; negotiate with states regarding matters of territories, of sovereignty, of tributes to us; basically, whatever shit work my grandfather unable to finish or simply throw at him. And these are not his main job. He was managing several farms and fishing villages. A busy busy man, indeed.

As a father, he always try to find time to spend quality time with them, understand them, guide them, advice them. He rarely used the cane or force. He believes in reasoning as it is much better than imposing values onto them. They are life itself and have their own mind and will. Besides the daughters, of course, the rest of the time are spent with his wife, in bed, in meals, in problems; they go thru thick and thin. Nice right?

Ok. I know he sounds like a perfect man. But he really is. Maybe not totally perfect but close. He did his duties well. It sounds easy but it is not. Do you think they are so many selfless people in this world? Fact tells us that they are very few. I know by writing or talking aren't substantial enough, but the manner and circumstances he left this mortal world explains it all. He died in his sleep. His children are all married, and he is a grandfather himself! Plus he gave them no troubles at all! What more can his children ask for? He left the world peacefully. I, Utama, can assure that because i saw a smile on his face in the coffin.

Uncle Punya, altough we seldom see each other, i know you are a great man, because grand uncle Cigga said so and i believe everything he said. Living is definitely no easy feat and you lived your life well. I respect you for what you are and did. I hope i can be like you too.

P/S: I feel like a small boy, again.

A Nose that runs

Today, i spent my whole day chasing after the nose. It's really a pest. An agile, fast, dodgy one that is. Bloody irritating like hell, where it blows hot and cold. It's been a tiring chasing game. I don't seem to be able to catch it. Every few hours, i feel weak and fall into a slumber state. I suspect it sedated me with it's odourless, colourless fragrance in the form of a flower, or just pure air (Identifying has been an onerous process, so...). This is the power of this nose, which power-less its opponent.

Is it good or what, or i suck? Who is the master here? The one who chases or one being chase? Sniffs.

The Beauty of Sleep

Sleep, a state where the body is at rest, horizontally, and mind is unconsciously at work - dreaming. Sleep is the time to rest after a day's activities. Sleep is position where you loosen your guard against the environment; being in a vunerable position. Sleep is what you need most when you lack of it. Sleep is simply beautiful, the moment where one is free from the complexities of the real world and be at peace with oneself; reflection for the human soul. Sleep is what i need now!!!

I can feel the effect of the green honey. It's really effective. Effects of antidote for sleeping disorder. Effecting myself to sleep now..zzzZZZ

IN-SO-MIA

Bloody hell...I can't believe i have slept only eight hours for the past two days. Eight hours in two days! My brain is suppose to be taking a break, not working so hard. There are no exam or work at this moment, so why should it be working in such a manner??? I seriously need an answer. And, my excerise regime should tire me out but it's not. WHY? WHY NOT? Is this a sign of death? Or what?

I need to sleep...

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.


Derek Walcott

A beautiful duel

The star illuminates the pole, and the moon colors the night. But my guide is a sole star and if, when the shadows have been dispelled, my star rises from the the East, my mind will ignore the shadows of sorrow. You are my radiant star, who will dispel the night, and light itself without you is night, whereas with you night is splendid radiance.
If you feel hunger, only you sate me; if i feel thirst, only you quench it. But what am i saying? You refresh, but do not satiate. Never have i been sated with you, nor shall i ever be...
So great is your sweetness, so wondrous your constancy, so ineffable the tone of your voice, such the beauty and the grace that crown you, that it would be a great offence to attempt to express them in words. May the fire that consumes us grow always, and with new fuel, and the more it remains hidden, the more it will flare up and deceive the envious and the treacherous, so that the question will ever remain: which of us two loves the more, and so between us there will always be joined a beautiful duel in which both are victorious...

Baudolino

Freedom

Sings," FreedommmM, freedommmmm..." I just love this word. I love the meaning of it, not that i am not free. I am but free in a sort of way, but trapped in another sort of way. Life is a contradiction, isn't it? HA.

Anyway, i am free from exams. Took my last paper today which releases me from having mental memorisation, calculation, computation, etc...i can sleep peacefully tonight, but not for long. I can hear more work coming.

Ever since i came back, which was seventeen days ago, i never really had the chance to write about my wonderfully coloured trip filled with adventure of sorts. The moment i stepped into this island, people have been bugging me for this, stressing me of that, which gave me undue pressures, of questions that i am also asking. However, i just didn't have the time to explain, because i am seeking for an answer too! Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you going to get. I like the uncertainties of life, make it so much more exciting and interesting.

Ok. The trip. Let's talk about the trip i had, which i can now reflect and savour those beautiful and joyous moments in paradise. Life is heaven and i know how heaven looks like. It's truly beautiful, and i shall share with everyone.

Heaven, is a place where one is free from stress but filled with fun, peace, joy, and laughter. A place where you are in a world of your own, with friends you love and to play with. You are at peace with your own self, like there are no obstacles you cannot overcome. Omnipotent. You learn new things everyday. The sky is beautiful for rain or shine. The sea is clear in day or night. Stars smiling all night long. This is life.

However, sad to say, it does not end there. Time moves on. Life too. But, at least, in my life, i have experience heaven, not once but more than once and less than ten or lesser(I don't keep track of my visits to heaven). This kind of experience can't be bought, it's just happen. No one will know when it happen, only after.

Without hell, there would be no heaven. Is it contradicting or not?